Journeys of Survival: Michelle N.
My husband and I both worked at Intel. We had a nice home, horses, motorcycles, a ski-boat and vacationed at various sunny spots. A couple living the American dream. Inside the walls, he disapproved of my freedom, punished me if I chose to go contrary to his ways, and slowly isolated me from my family and friends. I had to do as I was told or face the threat of abandonment.
Eight years into our marriage, the effects of a sick relationship were making me physically sick. I had lost weight, felt constantly exhausted, couldn’t sleep, ached all the time, couldn’t concentrate.
He gave me the ultimatum, “You’re going to give me a kid or I will find someone who will”. I became pregnant. Eight months into the pregnancy, my body couldn’t handle the emotional and physical stress any longer. Our son was born by emergency C section and was ill the first three months of his life. When our son turned two, he too became a target.
The verbal abuse intensified. The put downs, demeaning remarks and threats were common place in our home. The environment was so toxic that I was eventually put on bed rest by my doctor. I was slowly dying. I just couldn’t accept that I had a chronic disease; I was a healthy, active, intelligent woman, I had my degree, I worked at Intel, I lived the American dream. I just couldn’t believe that my husband, who had said he loved me, would continue to do things that hurt me. I wanted to call for help, but I felt disloyal, after all, he never hit me, he was just angry, he did say mean things, but that was just him.
But as soon as I made up my mind to do something, I felt a heaviness begin to lift. I went to Domestic Violence Resource Center to complete a restraining order. Though the restraining order was the kick off to another level of abuse from my husband, he was removed from the home and we divorced. My new home was a home of peace. I was feeling stronger and better each day. I thought it was over.
Two months after the divorce, he violated the parenting plan, so I copied it and went to his house to give it to him. He opened the door and assaulted me. I ended up with a lacerated and fractured finger.
My neighbor came over a day or so later and asked what happened to my hand. Later, she handed me a booklet on Domestic Violence Resource Center and said, “This is not okay, you need to call them”. I got set up with a six month counseling program, where, among other things, I learned about healthy and abusive behaviors. Many of the things that I had lived with for 17 years in marriage and that I thought were “normal”, I found out they were not. I am grateful and thankful for the education and courage the Domestic Violence Resource Center offered me.
The 16th-century Spanish novelist Miguel de Cervantes said: “He who loses wealth loses much. He who loses a friend loses more. But he that loses his courage loses all.” And, the great statesman Winston Churchill once said: “Never, never, ever give up”.
We, as human beings have great gifts bestowed upon us. We have been given, life, and we have the gift of freedom of choice. We can choose any path our hearts leads us. We know that life is not fair at times. Situations will confront us at the most in-opportune times, situations that test our internal fortitude, situations that will challenge our very spiritual soul and physical being. But the individuals who enjoy success in commanding this thing we call “Life” are the ones that never give up and the ones that embrace courage.
Search within yourself and seek out the courage that is within you. If necessary, speak to a spiritual counselor, your parents, a close friend, a neighbor. I assure you many of us have had to reach out and ask for help at some time, to find our own courage. And, my friends, your courage will set you free.
Note: This text is an edited transcript of a speech Michelle N. gave at the 10th Candlelight Vigil.
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