Journeys of Survival: Julie J.
I am a survivor of domestic violence. This experience has changed my life forever. The past year has been the worst year of my life and it has been the best year of my life. The worst year, because a man who said he loved me tried to kill me. The best year, because I will not allow anyone to ever abuse me again.
Mr. Right
After a number of marriages and children, I thought I was done with relationships. Then I met “Mr. Right.” He was kind to me. He was self supporting with his investments, he was semi-retired, and he gave me the attention I longed for. After a few months with him, I was “in love” and felt that life had finally given me a chance. We would talk for hours. He would tell me about his life, his military career, his jobs he had all over the world. He had so many stories to tell, so many things that he had done in life, so many accomplishments.
“Mr. Right” was grooming me and taking control of my life and I did not even know it. As the months passed by, his behavior changed. He had odd sleeping patterns which I attributed to PTSD from his military experience. He admitted that he had abused drugs and alcohol, but reassured me that he drank very little now and only smoked marijuana occasionally. On a few occasions, he would get in nasty moods, and I would go to another part of the house. I learned to do this as a child, when my mother was angry, so she would not yell at me or hit me.
We moved out to the country after a year of being together. The trouble started right away. He would scream at me, blame me and accuse me of anything that went wrong for him. He had done this a few times prior to moving, but I truly believed it was because of his PTSD and I wanted to be understanding. Slowly I learned he had been lying about who he was, his education, his military, his jobs, his stories. I did not want to be afraid, but I became terrified. When confronted about the lies, he would weave more tales. After a year and a half together and investing all I had in a home and a business, I was questioning what I had done to my life.
The knife
“Mr. Right” was a con artist and I was just about to learn what happens when you confront a liar. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the day after one of my children graduated from college. I caught my partner in another lie. He went ballistic. He threw things at me, he broke windows, he pushed me, he slapped my face, he strangled me so I could not breathe, he threatened to tie me up because I would go to the police and then he pulled out a carving knife and held it over my head, screaming that I knew too much and he would have to kill me. I begged for my life. He began to deescalate and then quickly fell asleep by the telephone.
I did not leave until the next morning. I was scared, I was ashamed, and I was in shock that this had ever happened to me. I did not know where to go, but I had to get away. My child and my boss convinced me to call the police. I did not make that call for two days.
I got a restraining order against him with the help of Domestic Violence Resource Center’s Protective Advocacy Program. Later, “Mr. Right” appeared in court, pleaded guilty, three of four charges were dropped, and he ended up with a misdemeanor charge. “Mr. Right” has not only violated the judgment numerous times, but he has also violated the restraining order. I live in fear that he may kidnap me and torture me. Even if his stories were untrue, I was traumatized by them, furthermore, he had strangled me, hit me and threatened me with a knife, so what am I to believe. This was not the first time that he abused a woman. I spoke with his last two wives and they said that he had abused them also, but they did not want to go through the hassle that I have gone through.
The worst year, the best year
It has been a tough year but I have survived. I have lived out of boxes and had only my clothing. But I have always been a positive, giving person. I have learned so much about life in this experience. With the help of my counselor at Domestic Violence Resource Center, I have learned how valuable I am and how I will never allow anyone to treat me disrespectfully. I am grateful that I have a faith that has been made stronger. I am grateful that I can go on in life. I refuse to become a bitter person from this experience.
Instead, I want to tell other women about what happened to me. I want them to know that they are not alone and to not be afraid to tell someone. Survivors need to educate themselves in what they can do, and where they can go for help. Knowledge empowers us to become more independent and to heal from our abuse. I will continue to push forward, to get the word out to other women, to warn those women to not put up with lies, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and violent acts of physical abuse.
There is help. There is a community that cares. Women who have had similar circumstances need your commitment as a community for assistance and dependable protection. We need to not be ignored when we call for help. Please do not put us aside as just another domestic argument. Some of us refuse to go back to a situation like that. I care and I hope that you do too.
Julie J.
Survivor of domestic violence
Note: This text is an edited transcript of a presentation Julie J. recently gave.
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